Here’s the return of an old segment that focuses on people, places, things, or events in our vast variety of fandoms that just need to stop wasting our time. Go away. Better yet, dig a hole in the middle of the desert and bury these topics like they’ve done the Mafia a major disservice. Some things just need to disappear and not be spoken of again! ENOUGH ALREADY!
In case anyone read the headline wrong, allow me to hammer the decree back into the door again. Scores of posts across social media and the Internet just jam clickbait down our throats, trying to get people to bicker with each other about why Raiders of the Lost Ark is the best action film period. Or why Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is the sort of drivel Chat GPT would drive to concoct for some amateur screenwriter. Or why the long-overlooked The Adventures of Young Indiana Jones sometimes outshines the feature films.
Jesus, screech your engines to full stop and slam the brakes down into the ground Fred Flintstone-style. Is there any harm in this blue marble of ours that someone can love all of the installments just the same, not putting one above the other, and just enjoy the pure escapist fare this franchise is? Huh? Would that kill anyone? Well, yes – the stans and the trolls and the Karen’s/Kevin’s out there, but there’s a reason my blood pressure’s so low. Their ignorance doesn’t make the needle on my Give-A-Shit Meter inch.
Oh, and let me add more fuel to the fire. I prefer Indiana Jones to Star Wars.
People have invested so much time – and by “invest,” I mean “waste” – trying to either bracket these movies. You all do realize that George Lucas created this solely for his fondness of the movie serials of the 1930’s and 1940’s? Storytelling today has become so much more intricate and an investment of our free time to dive into a plot. With so much material thrown at us between streaming and theaters, we wisely must decide what we should be watching. Oh, to be a young child 80 or 90 years ago. One-hour bubblegum stories of heroes fighting villains, nothing more complex than that. A hero, his romantic love interest, his foil, and the MacGuffin, that’s all that mattered!
Before cellphones and TikTok and Instagram and all that bullshit, serials provided a different form of distraction from reality. The heroes of yesteryear were Flash Gordon, Batman, Tarzan, The Phantom, and The Shadow. I can only imagine the feeling of grabbing popcorn from concessions, sitting amongst scores of other folk from around town, and getting lost on the action flickering on the screen. Everything was pure escapist fare away from the doldrums of life in the wake of the Great Depression. So, what exactly do you think this franchise is all about, huh? Tracking down the likes of The Ark of the Covenant? The Holy Grail? Hell, even the Archimedes Dial?
Do you believe this franchise actually is educational fare lensed to make audiences ponder the ruminations of our world’s history? Ah, no, stop, no – absolutely not. This franchise tells tales to escape from work, from the ills and pratfalls of the world around us, to just kick our feet up, snack on sweets, and just switch my brains off for two-plus hours. Nothing more, nothing less. And honestly, don’t all four films to date satisfy that need to get away?
And anyway, the Indiana Jones movies are just excuses to see the hero beat the living hell out of the bad guys to save the day and claim his prize. Remember – there’s a good reason of the long-standing tradition of punching Nazis, and not because the action tingles our senses. The narrative doesn’t need to explain why Indiana Jones is walloping the shit out of Nazi scum. What, do we all need a reminder in 2023 exactly what the hell the Allied Powers fought for in World War II? Shudder. Do we? God, I hope not. There is a reason why the phrase is “always punch Nazis.” Take a look, it’s in a book, and not in a Reading Rainbow.
To me, I just simply can’t rank these at all. They are all rousing, rollicking, adrenaline-filled action adventures that echo a forgotten period of storytelling. They’re straightforward stories with clear-cut characters, grand set pieces, gripping stunts, and bombastic music. (John Williams has truly been an unsung hero in this franchise, and his Indy scores oft fuel me during a busy workday.) I know 98 percent of everyone out there will call bullshit on me, and that’s fine. I know I sure as hell can’t please everyone, and I’ll never aspire to anyway. But to me, all these films are a chef’s kiss in one way or another. They’re written to entertain and thrill and job’s more than well done.
Are they all perfect? Not even remotely, especially 2008’s Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Mutt Williams could have been a nerd (as originally written in earlier drafts) instead of a greaser. The scenes set in South America could have felt less shot in a back-lot. And, pfft, booting Indy away from a nuclear bomb test in a fridge was necessary. I know many roll their eyes and condescendingly look down at the fourth entry. Some also turn their noses at Temple of Doom and The Last Crusade too. Pfft, you’ll never be able to please everyone. Each of these premiered at different eras in Spielberg’s life. But that’s what makes each entry stand out on their own two legs, black sheep or not.
I know when I park my ass in the IMAX theater, I’m going to be extremely melancholy to see Indy saddle up and ride off into the sunset. This is my father’s favorite set of movies and too has become one of mine. No one else out there can ever replace Harrison Ford, and thank God the character’s being retired without unnecessary recasting. I’ve no doubt the fifth film will be as rip-roaring as the previous four entries, iconic Ben Burtt sound effects and John Williams’ score encasing the action together. We know what James Mangold did with 2017’s Logan. And I know he’ll give Indiana Jones the farewell the character justly deserves.
