“Stark Raving Fan” is a column about one man’s love for all things involving popular culture – television, movies, and all facets of pop culture from here to there. Of course, it’s not the kind of love that unites a group of people like a bunch of hippies. More like the kind of love someone has when they’ve blown a gasket and have something to say. After all, aren’t we all just driven mad by fanaticism sometimes?
2023 has sure turned out to be a strange year to date. What, did CERN restarting the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the world’s largest and most powerful particle accelerator, correct our reality? Have we finally gotten our universe back in sync and away from an alternate timeline? Nah, this is reality, that’s too easy. (Or are we still in the worst timeline?) I say 2023 has been weird because things just seem, well, quiet. Outside of, you know, all of the awful things in our world, the life of a geek has been mundane.
Sure, there’ve been some great television shows – Star Trek: Picard, Rabbit Hole, The Last Of Us. But what of the films that used to flock crowds to theaters? Ah, now there’s something to talk about. The worldwide box office piqued at $42.3 billion in 2019 – then dove headfirst off a cliff at the pandemic. While the box office does recover a smidge each year, 2023 feels rather tepid. Only three movies to date have grossed over $500 million worldwide. So, wherein lies the problem exactly? Are films not attracting audiences this year, or is another nefarious reason to fault?
Let’s first use this past weekend’s release, Warner Brothers’ The Flash. The film had a budget of $200 million alone, with another $100 million in marketing. On average, a film needs to at least triple its budget to turn a profit. And while The Flash sits with a 66% reviewer score on Rotten Tomatoes, the audience score is strong at 85%. There was so much advertising on social media, you couldn’t scroll through Facebook without getting blasted in the schnoz by Warner Brother’s advertising blitz. Given early anticipation given the return of Michael Keaton as Batman, one would think this would rake in some big bucks.
Instead, The Flash plopped like a hard nuttle in a toasty porta-potty at a summer tailgate. (‘Nuttle’ is Pennsylvania Dutch slang for “turd,” and you’re welcome for teaching you all a new word today.) $55.1 million dollars across the three-day weekend and just $64.2 million across the four-day weekend? That’s even less than Black Adam‘s $67 million four-day opening back in in 2022! I still, to this day, have only made it through Black Adam‘s first half-hour before I desire to drown my sorrows in Rumplemintz. Current pacing puts this production to finish under $350 million. And with both Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One on the horizon, this one’s a bomb. That’s now three DCEU films in a row that’ve tanked.
Now, in this writer’s unprofessional opinion, audiences may be waiting to watch at home for free because – why does The Flash even matter? James Gunn’s already on record saying that Blue Beetle is the first DCU character and Superman: Legacy the first DCU film. Audiences have no reason to go to a theater and watch a movie that means nothing, especially with how The Flash ends. Maybe Warners CEO David Zaslov shouldn’t have gone to CinemaCon and touted this as “one of the best superhero movies ever.” Your best bet was to distance yourself from this knowing it’d be a bust. (But he’s running Warner Brothers into the ground, so what would he know anyway?)
That could be the other thing – moolah. The other big hurdle is spending your money for a theatrical experience that’s more than a dinner date with your better half. For many theater chains, prices are gouged not just in ticket prices and fees, but also food at concessions. Some chains, like AMC, are somewhat affordable in their pricing. Hell, some offer an annual popcorn bucket you can fill for $5.50 to $6.50 per visit! But at other joints, that doesn’t even you buy you a small popcorn. With that kind of money, my wife and I can get a warm meal at our local diner, get dessert, and still have money left over.
Now, I live in southeast Pennsylvania, so my price examples are lower than many metro areas. One of the bigger theaters near me is a Regal. A ticket can cost you $11 for a child or $13.75 for adults – and that’s just during the day! Want a large soda and popcorn? Add $6.79 for a soda and $8.89 more for popcorn. Oh, and $4.89 for a large candy. Want a hot dog instead? $5.99, and no sides. Kitchen items will cost you more than going to a Buc-ees, Wawa, or Rutter’s. By the time your ass hits the seat, say goodbye to about $70 bucks. For that kind of money, I should get a kick in the nards as a reminder for pissing money down the drain.
Not all is doom and gloom at the box office this year. There’ve been some modest wins at cineplexes that have attracted crowds. Lee Cronin’s Evil Dead Rise, originally produced only for HBO Max but moved to theatrical release, earned $146.3 million worldwide – on just a $20 million budget. Sony’s Spider-Man: Across The Spider-Verse has earned $494 million worldwide against a $100 million budget. Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 3 was made for just $250 million and has cleared $821.6 million worldwide to date. Oh, and, you know, there’s a little Universal flick called The Super Mario Brothers Movie that’s accumulated $1.32 billion worldwide.
For every overperformer like Cocaine Bear, you have an underachiever like Renfield. Maybe that speaks to the projects being greenlit and the quality of scripts. Gee, maybe scripts crafted by artificial intelligence really could save the industry! (Oh, I’m totally kidding. I was writing that sentence and stifled a belly laugh. What a crock of malarkey.) But studios keep pumping out movies to honor the Almighty Cash Cow, offering bounties of sacrifice in attempt to turn a profit. So what if there’s ten swings-and-misses? One of ’em has to land. But we, the poor commoners who watch movies to escape reality, are left to suffer.
2023’s been awfully mediocre up until now – and I truly do not foresee that changing anytime soon. Strap yourselves in and, before you spend your money, make sure you watch the trailers too. Some of the upcoming releases hitting your local theater don’t really show too much promise either. Then again, maybe laughs from the new Jennifer Lawrence comedy No Hard Feelings are better than the misery from a project as mundane as The Flash.
