Here’s the return of an old segment that focuses on people, places, things, or events in our vast variety of fandoms that just need to stop wasting our time. Go away. Better yet, dig a hole in the middle of the desert and bury these topics like they’ve done the Mafia a major disservice. Some things just need to disappear and not be spoken of again!
ENOUGH ALREADY – WHY IS THE #SNYDERCUT STILL A THING?!
And don’t sit there and tell me this is all because of HBO Max and People Power. Stop that. Yes, I know this news broke a couple of weeks back too. I’ve just kept going back and forth asking myself, any other news gonna drop regarding this at all? This topic has been trending on and off for the last two-and-a-half years anyway since Joss Whedon’s Justice League hit theaters in November 2017. Because God forbid, we take the time to realize that sometimes a turd is still a turd, no matter how much make-up you apply to mask the stench of foul and utter disappointment.
Supposedly, as recent as this past February, before COVID-19 put a halt to our lives and forced us to lose what little sanity we had remaining, Zack Snyder met with WB executives to screen a project he’d been working on. No, not Netflix’s Army of the Dead – that one I’m stoked for actually. No, Whacky Zacky has been hemming and hawing to anyone who’ll give his voice a listen that he has the storied Zack Snyder Cut all mapped out. Can you hear his voice echoing in your ears yet? “Shh. This isn’t a secret, I have the Snyder Cut! It’s miles better than what Joss Whedon delivered to theaters in 2017. …shh. Yeah, he tried to make my movie better, but only *I* know what’s best!”
Well, Zack, just like every failed MTV reality star desperately seeking attention for a few more minutes of fame, you’ll have your day finally. HBO Max announced that Zack Snyder’s Justice League will debut on the streamer in 2021. My question for everyone though, is – does anyone out there in Fan Land even give a shit about his unrealized version of Justice League?
Here’s some more truth for you too. Not only does Warner Brothers not need this wannabe-Christopher Nolan at the ready, DC Comics doesn’t need his “bold visions” anymore either. Those darker dreams of a different DC Extended Universe have been dashed and thrown into an overstuffed storage unit that no one, not even the likes of the folks of Storage Wars, will dare to unearth in the future. Why bid on on that storage locker? Better yet, douse the inside with gasoline and throw a lit match into the joint. Burn it down.
Like, can you not blame the suits at the Legion of Doom, err, Warner Brothers? Ever since Christopher Nolan changed the game with his Dark Knight Trilogy, the suits sitting atop the Ivory Tower wanted to keep making bank. And, after all, with how lauded Zack Snyder’s 2008 adaptation Watchmen was over the years, why not let him try to spin more gold? Though, as both Man Of Steel and Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice proved, fans were split down the middle like Bugs and Daffy arguing over what season’s ongoing in the forest.
Read – Nolan fanboys loved the newer, darker DC fluff. Others watched both movies and had a bad taste in the back of their throats. You know, the kind of hot sick after drinking Mad Dog 20/20 atop of greasy McDonald’s goodness at 2 in the morning. Yeah – the darker-toned DCEU sucks.
Alright, alright – that R-rated cut of Dawn of Justice? Actually not too shabby. Miles above the theatrical cut. The tone and violence is dialed up a notch and, honestly, the trick is to view the movie as a tale in the vein of Elseworlds and just walk away afterward having taken a trip down a different path. Affleck’s a fine Batman, far better than Kilmer and Clooney both – and, I dare say, more entertaining than Bale. Though, after you eject Batman Vs. Superman from your Blu-ray player, go on and immediately insert 1978’s Superman: The Movie. Oh, and be sure to drink lots of alcohol to flush that taste in your mouth. Make sure you’re chugging a brown alcohol to make your memory forget.
Not everything about 2017’s Justice League was dreadful. Danny Elfman’s score was nostalgic, bombastic, and extremely catchy. (Also, thank you for the nod to the John Williams’ Superman theme. Oh, and using your own iconic Batman theme too!) The opening title sequence, Sigrid’s haunting cover of “Everybody Knows” showing the grimness of the world post-Superman’s death, is chilling. The cinematography was sharp, the colors popped off the screen, hell, even some of the Snyderverse characters were likable! Okay, well, not Jason Mamoa’s dude-bro Aquaman. Nope, not even Ezra Miller’s boring take on Barry Allen/The Flash either. Hey, not every inch of casting is going to inspired. They don’t have the same common sense of Marvel Studios.
Look, even Man Of Steel had some promise. Cavill was an inspired choice to cast as Kal-El. But when I flashback to the first time I sat down and spent 143 minutes with his 2013 entry, I remember myself thinking, this is no Richard Donner but this is passable. The plot ain’t half bad, Cavill’s a bit more dramatic but still means well, even if that suit looks like a rejected design from 1998’s Lost In Space. And then we get to Zod’s neck snap. Metaphorically, I felt like Snyder is breaking the neck of any fan who thought Superman was about truth, justice, and the American way. Instead, he results to murder because, why not? Why lift Zod out of the train station and into the atmosphere, but we gotta make this about morality. Kill one to save millions.
We can at least take solace in the fact that Snyder really can’t do much with that Trump lotto. The caveat of HBO Max blessing Zack Snyder with $30 million bucks? He can only use the money on special effects. Oh sure, he can have the principal actors record new dialogue from the luxury of their own homes. Snyder also had shot enough footage to put a four-hour movie together. More plot about Cyborg, an entire subplot involving Raymond Chow/The Atom, and of course, an even bigger bad. Now, who’d sit through that, even in the luxury of their own home? Put as much make-up on the footage as you want, Justice League in no way can ever top the likes of Avengers Endgame. You can try though, Zack.
Though, when Snyder tweeted out the below image a couple weeks back, I about spit my water across the room. Not in a good way. See, he did envision the Darkseid would go toe-to-toe with our heroes. But remember how much of a walking corn-laden mud monkey Doomsday looked like in Dawn of Justice? Behold, true believers. This is your Darkseid.
I mean, I wish him the best in his endeavor, really. I do. I’ll still sit down and watch his cut. Granted, I have no hope for this ploy at all. What, just to make his loyalist of followers happy? Alright. Every now and then, even a junkyard dog needs a trespasser to gnaw upon. I’ve wrestled with this thinking, maybe Snyder can pull off something no other director has done. Then I realized – once you open Pandora’s Box, then everything will come flooding out into the air. Hope everyone’s ready for director’s cuts of your most hated movies. This is what you want? Welp, this is what we’ll get. Get your popcorn ready. Between this and Ray Fisher’s allegations against Joss Whedon, this is one movie that’s not going away just yet after all.
